Artificial Cheese

There’re motherf’in blogs on this motherf’in plane!  I got the entire row of seats to myself this morning on a flight from Austin to LA, so I decided to write a bit.  Being on this high-flying job for about two weeks now, its time for me to throw down some opinions/observations/recommendations regarding my in-flight experience.

Fasten Seatbelt Sign

I think that Captain Paranoia should cool it with the seatbelt sign.  How am I supposed to take it seriously if the Captain keeps crying wolf about the fasten seatbelt sign?  I swear sometimes the pilot just forgets to turn it off.  Passengers tend to lose their patience and eventually start rising up against the sign.  If it were used sparingly then passengers might take it seriously.

Pre-flight Seatbelt Training

People who don’t know how to put on seatbelts are known as “special cases”.  The field of buckle-strap dynamics is well known, so if someone doesn’t know then they can ask.  I don’t get a lesson on how to drive a car every time I rent one.

If it is that important, then hold a seminar at the terminal so that the flight attendants can teach us more useful things, like Armrest Etiquette.

Armrest Etiquette

There is something very primal and evolutionary about claiming an armrest when you get on a plane.  There is no protocol, so the strongest will claim the armrest and the weaker will serve their armrest masters with elbows tucked into their sides.  Sometimes I wish that there was some sort of agreement between passengers, like the center gets both and the aisle and window get one each.  This would bring balance to the seating arrangement.  But then I fall asleep.

Go Faster

Really, what’s the hold up here?  The Concorde jet was put together many years ago, and now it’s too old to use.  Meanwhile, commercial flights are still chugging along.  I might be more inclined to travel to a meeting rather than use a WebEx conference if the flight was a bit faster.

Bigger Windows

Am I the only one who likes to look out of the window during the flight?  I feel like I’m in a submarine.  How about a sunroof or something?