Artificial Cheese

I know you’re scared. You have to be. In addition to hurricanes, earthquakes, global warming, gas prices, the prospect of Palin becoming president, now the Dow has lost 17,000 points in the past 2 days. Yeah you’re scared alright, but you’ve come to the right place. This blog was put here for one reason: to equip its readers with the necessary skills to survive in a harsh economic climate, amongst other things. Let me help you put your mind at ease; grab a pen and some paper and remember these easy steps to survival.

1. Purchase Canned Goods and Oxo Good Grips Can Opener

I think Sir Winston Churchill said it best when he said, “The s–t’s really hit the fan now!” That was in reference to World War II, but his eloquance rings just as true now as it did in the face of tyranny decades ago.

As a proud American, I know what your first concern will be; stuffing your face. Now–I don’t want to alarm you, but sooner or later this economic crisis will close down all of your beloved Olive Gardens and Red Lobsters, leaving you with absolutely nothing to eat. Food is the staple of this culture, and it can be argued that this culture is in the can anyway, so stock up on your favorite varieties of Chef Boyardee and Campbell’s soups — and don’t get the healthy stuff, its not worth it.

Here comes the important part–make sure you get the right can opener. I know you probably have that 12-speed 7000rpm electric can opener that you put up as a gag gift on your wedding registry that some gag uncle baught; but try to think ahead. When the electric company goes belly up and the looters tear the power lines down to drink their nectar, how are you going to get that can open?

The answer is the best can opener in the world! The Oxo Good-Grips Can Opener. This thing changed the way I think about cans completely. No more jagged edges, severe lacerations, broken bones or assault charges. Carefully slice the top off of a can, then use the top as a lid again! No batteries required, and no electricity.

2. Tivo EVERYTHING

Alright America, your biggest concern was taken care of by #1, and you should have enough food to last you through the first few days of chaotic anarchy. But you’re still worried, right? Thats because the next concern we need to tackle could mean the difference between Dancing with the Stars and Project Run-away when angry crowds of bored looters tear down your door.

I’m talking about entertainment. The television has the power to turn an angry productive individual into a docile creature, and take the sting out of any remotely serious situation. Its up to you to make sure that you always have the soothing fuzz of brainless television to put your mind off of the impending collapse of the modern world. Fire up your TiVO and grab EVERYTHING; Seinfeld, The Daily Show, The Cosby Show, The Late Show, heck, even The Price is Right with Drew Carey.

And one thing you absolutely, positively must record is Man vs. Wild.

3. Watch Man vs. Wild

Survival is all about survival, and The time is coming where you will have to cut open the neighbor’s dog and sleep within it’s still-warm carcass for survival through the harsh autumn evenings. But how on Earth will you know how to do that if you don’t let Bear Grylls tell you? No matter what sort of climate you live in, or how big your camera crew is, you will definitely learn more than you ever wanted to know about survival when you watch a man named Bear feast on frogs named Lunch.

But how exactly do you WATCH your TiVO’ed Man vs. Wild episodes after the powerlines have been cut and used as rope to scale the walls of the local authorities buildings? Well you’ll need one of these things…

4. Buy One of These Things

These things are awesome. They’re called PCGs, which stand for Pull-Cord Generators. The premise is that you grab the handle, and then PULL IT as HARD as you can over and over. THe friction caused by the pull cord creates a stupid effect, where people are embarassed to be seen with you; but its enough to charge a cell phone after you pull it for 3 or 4 days. Details aside, you can power a small house with this PCG - thus solving all of your power problems for good.

So we’ve got food…we’ve got survival skills, entertainment…

…power…

5. Learn to Eat Grass

Alright, if you’ve followed all of the steps above, you’ll most likely survive about 4 hours before you find yourself covered in bloody dog intestines and throwing up week old beefaroni while pulling a ripcord to power your electric can opener because you JUST CAN’T FIGURE OUT how the Oxo Good-grips can opener works. In other words, you’re out of the jungle.

So once that dust settles and the anarchy subsides, its time to rely on resourcefulness to get you through the next few minutes. The first thing that needs to be done is you need to learn how to eat grass. It’s delicious, abundent, and renewable. Cow’s eat it, why can’t we?

After you’ve re-engineered your gastrointestinal organs to be chlorophyll-friendly, you’ve officially made grass into a resource. Resources require management and ownership, and ownership requires a giant army of loyal soldiers.

6. Start Building an Army

I cannot stress enough the importance of an army to stake your claim to the territories of the new world. The rules as you know them will no longer apply, and the strongest will inherit the Earth for a little while longer. From experience, I’ve found that the best way to raise an army is to promise great riches and an endless supply of women to the first 100 people, then the next few hundred will join because ‘all the cool kids are doing it’. Just make sure you put the first hundred at the frontlines when the fighting starts, thus releasing you of your promises.

When the fighting subsides and the feudalism begins, your army will make a good base of serfs and workers as they build you a strong castle. Assuming you’ve run out of Chef Boyardee and Speghetti-O’s at this point, you might want to think about planting some corn at this point…hmm…but that takes too long…

7. Learn to Prepare Human Flesh for Consumption

Screw it, once you run out of grass to eat it’s time to sink your teeth into your neighbor Bill. Raw human tastes a little game-y so make sure you know how to turn Bill into a Billicious feast now, rather than later. He’s rich in protein, calcium, and nicotine. He’s also been eating your grass while you weren’t looking, so you’re entitled to his flesh as due payment.



There you have it! If you follow these easy steps to survival, you’ll figure out that all-out panic would have probably been a more appropriate response to the economic crisis.