Artificial Cheese

So I’m a 26 year old boy who is getting into his first relationship. I know what you’re thinking, how can someone so handsome and so witty with a job and a college degree never have been in a relationship? Well I don’t know I guess, and I am not going to answer that question now. I just wanted to ask it rhetorically because I like calling myself ‘handsome’.

Regardless of my history, I have been in siutations where I’ve interacted with women. I would pass by them in the street, have an occasional conversation with a woman about current events, and other every day interactions. I always considered myself to be a gentleman and do chivalrous things without ill intentions in my mind. This includes things like opening a door and letting the woman in first, giving up a seat on a bus, or just making eye contact during conversations and not stare at their chests.

So when I entered into my first relationship, I didn’t skip a beat. I took precautions to make sure that my counterpart was always comfortable. Open the door for her, do the driving whenever I could, pay for dinner, do the dishes, etc. Some of these things were appreciated and others were less appreciated, but I can understand why; some actions come off as chivalrous and others come off as passively accusing a woman of helplessness.

I was under the impression that I was doing well. Everyone seemed happy enough. Just then, the concept that drives many relationships into the ground was put squarely in front of my face. Getting whipped.

Being whipped is a terrifying notion to a man, especially one that is new to the world of relationships. The observation of my being whipped was brought up as I was retrieving a sandwich from Quiznos for my counterpart in the relationship. Immediately I put my entire chivalrous routine under the microscope and began to question…

“Did she thank me?”…”Would she thank me once I get the sandwich?”…”What would she do if I didn’t get her a sandwich?”…”Why should I be getting this sandwich for her?”…”Why can’t she get her own?”

You can see where this rabbit hole leads; it goes spiraling down about sandwiches, then spiraling outwards towards every chivalrous act that you’ve ever performed, then it boils up with words like ‘control’ and ‘manipulation’. Every action becomes evidence and every request becomes fuel to the fire. Then the danger comes when you’re sitting in a car alone at 1am, crusing down the turnpike and doing microsurgery on every single facial expression and every subtlety made during your time together.

The analysis ends and the pettyness begins. “Can you find directions to the theater?” …”Do it yourself!”. “Can you pass the salt?”…”Why can’t you get it?”. “Can you stop sitting on my neck?”…”Make me!”.

After it gets petty, it gets ugly. “She doesn’t walk the dog anymore”…”He might lose some weight if he helps me around the house some times.”…”His mother is so nosy, I wish she’d just stop staring at us through the window all the time.”

It’s scary, I know. The first step in avoiding this problem is identifying the signs of being whipped. So how do you know? How do you know if you’re being chivalrous and a gentleman, or simply being whipped? The only measure is to attempt to deviate and gauge the response.

Next time you’re asked to go get a drink for your girlfriend or boyfriend, stop and make the same request back. If the reponse is an enthusiastic, “Okay!”, then you’re probably not whipped. If the response is an unenthusastic, “Okay…” then there’s a small chance that you’re being taken for granted. If the response is bitterness, anger, or getting slapped across the face, then you’re whipped. If she’s pregnant, handicapped or an amputee then this whole test should have been avoided in the first place.

Also, try to not reach for the check next time you’re at the local IHOP for some country fried steak bonanza. If the response is an immediate reach for the check from your counterpart, you’ve got nothing to worry about. If you need to nudge the check to the other side of the table, you might have a problem. If your girlfriend or boyfriend starts flirting with the waiter then you might want to consider having that talk. Again, if you’re dating a homeless person or a blind person, make the appropriate changes to the test.

Using these types of tests (sparingly) should allow you to get a good idea of where you stand in your relationship. Test early and test often, and you could catch the disease early enough to treat it. Talk to your doctor about testing for being whipped today. Oh, and if you’re looking for how to actually SOLVE the problem of being whipped, I’d advise you to look to someone else for some answers.